Recently Jay, Chase and I took a vacation without Max. We were on the fence several months leading up to the trip, but in the end decided to leave him in the very capable hands of my mother at home. He's 17 months old (need I say more?) and it was the right choice for our family. I went through a roller coaster of feelings leading up to the trip from anxiety and guilt to pure glee to full on doubt that I could/should leave him. A few times, I thought about cancelling the trip all together. Well we went, we conquered and everything worked out just fine, if not pretty close to perfectly. Our trip was an amazing reset button for all of us that we are still feeling weeks later. 

Looking back, it seemed like I was spending time in a cycle of worry and guilt to make it ok to go. Just saying I need a vacation and I need it to be without Max felt like it was going against mom etiquette. It feels like if we are not in a constant state of sacrifice we are not playing our part correctly. This was all my own doing, by the way. But I know I am not the only one out there that deals with this. Normally this would be where the words of wisdom come, but hell if I have any; I'm a mere six years in. All I know is that I don't want what I sacrifice to be my mom badge of honor. I want the mix of sacrifice, screw ups, and wins to earn that. 

So, I am going to keep going with what I like to call my good enough parenting philosophy. Sometimes that will be taking a trip without a kid (but maybe with a lot of anxiety) and other times it will be carting the kids every weekend for months without a moment to myself. And I am hoping I both will make me feel like a damn good mom. 

This moment brought to me by not bringing my beautiful boy.