I recently, and suddenly, found myself laid off from a job that I really truly loved. It was one of those jobs that didn't give you the Sunday blues. I worked for a socially conscious organization on a family friendly team and gained many great friendships in my four years there. I was able to grow and learn and have come out on the other side better at what I do. Circumstances beyond my control left my role obsolete. 

While it is shocking and sad, I went into planning mode. We are a duel income family with small children living in the beautiful, but stupid expensive Bay Area. Needless to say, I am hustling. Each time I hit apply I feel a little surge of energy that I might have just applied to my future position. Then I get the kind, but deflating "thanks but no thanks" email. One company even sent it to me within hours of applying. It was rejection as it's fastest. 

Yesterday, I received three no thank you emails back to back and in swept the insecurity. I have only been unemployed for a few weeks and in that time have applied to over twenty positions and started this blog. I have been on a high of confidence, but this morning I started my day with a wave of doubt in my worth as a candidate and maybe a few tears. 

I gave myself permission to sit in that self pity instead of ignoring it and then as soon as I saw my husband I forced myself to tell him how I was feeling. If you read my previous post about telling the truth you know saying "the thing" is deeply hard for me. Sometimes just recognizing the feelings are hard for me. But I did it and I think I just saved myself a few days of swirling unkind thoughts about myself. I was able to let it out and then let it go. Normally my fear is that if I say it, it will become the permanent state, it will be what everyone thinks. This is transformational for me.

I know I will have more days like this ahead. It's really hard to lose a job, put myself out there everyday and cope with rejection. I am going to ride my confidence as much as possible knowing that being insecure is just part of who I am, who we all are to a certain extent. I can pretend it's not there but that is not the truth. So I will be proceeding confidently insecure until I land my my next gig.